After a childhood of sexual abuse, acrimony, fighting, and pervesions in my home, and after years of working through it, thinking about it, not thinking about it, talking about it, and finally crying about it... I put my inner child to bed.
That poor, hurt, and ever-vigilant child needed a long rest. I embraced the grown up I had become through it all. Damn, it would be nice to heal that little girl, but I can't. It would be nice to make her dreams come true, but I never will. The best I can do is craft new dreams based on who I have become and what I want to be. Oh, I'd like to be better than I am, but to hell with it. I just am. I'm here, finally.
My inner adult is aggressive, funny, acerbic and suspicious, tough, adventurous, and ever surprised by beauty. This world is not enough... there's not enough sky or beauty or music or love but that I want more and I'm determined to find it, wrest it from the ugly and cynical and store it all up as a treasure in my heart. The thrill of being alive and breathing and dwelling, comfortably for once, in my own body is too delicious to not be excited about.
After 25 adult years of trying to reconcile all that that was my childhood, and hoping my spouse would heal/help/guide/provide the impossible filling of that ache, I stepped up to difficult line of adulthood, and never looked back. What a relief, for him and me.
Yes, I'm the one who said there are no knights in shining armor. How strange to find that I don't need one now. But damn if they don't look mighty sexy in all that strength and steel! Now, I want one!! For all the right reasons.
Besides, every warrior queen needs a worthy escort.
I couldn't agree with you more. I also survived much as a child, and struggled with the healing process. I struggled desperately with the inner child. I could see her forlorn and desperate wanting to be taken care of. More than therapy that had me focusing on her, my Dh helped me. He said to me, "Just accept the fact that this is always going to hurt. It will never not hurt. You can't heal this wound and not hurt."
That was a revelation. And nothing I wanted to hear at that time. But he was right. It might have been Dr. Laura I don't know, but someone was talking to a survivor of abuse and she said that some people are born without arms and legs, and some are born without parents. .
I can't heal that wound and never feel phantom pains where parents were supposed to be, and weren't. What I can do is as you said, craft new dreams, move on and live for the adult that the child has become. And you know what, she's happier that way.
It is very difficult, if not impossible, to heal one's self. This is especially true if great emotional and psychological damage was done at a very early age. The trauma of abuse during childhood is not the broken bones or bodily scars. Rather, it is in the mind - even into the depths of the soul.
Men and women were made for each other. Because they bring different strengths and perspectives to the table, they can do for each other that which each is unable to do for themselves.
I have often wondered if it's possible to actually heal from those wounds of childhood. For me I was able to continue the abuse all through my first marriage. It was validating to me from what I was taught. And it has taken years of therapy and self reflection to wonder if it is at all possible to heal.
Yet here I am, one who never gave up belief of hope, love and promise of this world. And I was given the gift of all I believed in. But have I ever recovered? I don't know. But I have finally come to forgive.
My wonderful and loving husband is whom I found. Or he found me, but he shows me how to heal. And that is to accept that I can be loved, nurtured and accepted for nothing more than my name. And that my love is genuine and needed and wanted by those who care.
I don't know why it helps in so many ways to be taken in hand. It gives the wounded little girl in me the security I crave. Even the adult who is a worthy warrior, needs the room to put down her armor and just be.
Is that healing or is that continuing without the abuse. I still worry about all the deep buried rage I pray to be buried with. But if freedom comes by being loved without pain, then I am healing each and every day......
I agree with a lot of what has been said about the security of a dominant spouse. However, I also think those who "were born without parents", (and I never heard it put so perfectly) must reparent themselves.
My husband was advised by a close friend and minister not to marry me. He said that it would never work out with someone who had not had enough love put in as a child. Luckily my husband was strong enough to ignore that advice. We have been married for 34 years. He is the dominant partner.
I have had to reparent myself. The things I desparately wanted as a child, I have had to do or give to myself. One cannot put that whole burden even on the best of husbands.
Also, giving the things you always lacked as a child to your own children isn't always the answer. They may want different things than you needed from a parent.
You have to parent the unloved child before you can be a strong adult. You have to be strong enough to look at her and say I will take care of you. You have to be able to do this before you can allow yourself the risks of being taken care of by anyone else.